Medical Benefits of Laughing
Laughing provides many health benefits for the mind and
body; particularly the immune and cardiovascular systems.
Laughing is also one of the fastest methods of relaxation,
known to quickly reduce stress and the physical and mental
illnesses associated with stress. Additionally, laughing is
a great form of exercise that burns calories just like a
Laughing is considered an emotional
medicine to boost the immune system, reduce stress, dissolve
anger, lower blood pressure and reduce the risk of heart
Laughter has a positive effect on
blood pressure. When an individual laughs, the first thing
the blood pressure does is increase, then the blood pressure
decreases lower than normal. This generates deeper
breathing, which in turn sends more oxygenated blood through
Stress hormones reduce infection
fighting antibodies our bodies need to fight infection.
Laughter reduces stress hormones and increases the
antibodies necessary to fight infection.
Laughing may offer protection against
heart attack and stroke by expanding the inner lining of the
walls of the arteries. This inner lining, when expanded,
increases blood flow.
Both sides of the brain are stimulated
during laughing. This brain stimulation reduces stress and
muscle tension, enhancing attentiveness and brain function.
Laughter exercises the diaphragm,
midsection, face, muscles in the back, abdominal organs and
intestinal tract. The positive effect on the intestinal
tract aids in the absorption and digestion process of the
Laughter instantly elevates mood and acts as a form of
therapy as stored feelings of anger and frustration are
released. The ability to laugh at oneself creates healthy
Fisherman Beer Joke
fishermen were adrift in their rented boat on Adams
Lake due to an engine failure. While rummaging
through the boat’s
provisions, one of the men
stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a
genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came
forth. This particular genie, however, stated that
she could only deliver one wish, not the standard
giving much thought to the matter the man blurted
out, “Make the entire lake into beer!” The genie
clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and
immediately the entire Adam's lake water level
turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle
lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as
the men considered their circumstances.
looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been
granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he
spoke: “Nice going idiot! Now we’re going to have to
pee in the boat!”
Aberta's claim to fame is the first
ALIEN LANDING SITE and Saskatchewan's claim to fame
is CORNER GAS
Q: Why don't bears like fast food? A: Because they
can't catch it!
George Carlin’s Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when
we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re
less than 10
you’re so excited about aging that you think in
‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m four and a half!’ You’re
never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half,
going on five! That’s the key.
You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you
back. You jump to the next number, or even a few
‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m gonna be 16!’ You could be
13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the
greatest day of your life … . You become 21. Even
the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21.
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there?
Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to
throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a
sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping
away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your
dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and
MAKE it to 60.
You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After
that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80’s and every day is a complete
cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH
bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you
start going backwards; ‘I Was JUST 92.’
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over
100, you become a little kid again. ‘I’m 100 and a
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
THE RETIREMENT HOME
A man was out walking one
day and went by a retirement home. As he passed the
front lawn, he saw nine old ladies basking in the
sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer he
realized that they were all stark naked.
He went to the door and
rang the bell. When the director answered the door,
the man asked if he realized there were nine naked
old ladies lying in the sun on the front lawn.
The director said, "Yes"
and went on to explain that the old ladies were all
retired prostitutes living at the retirement home,
and they were having a yard sale.
do you call a fish that won’t shut up?
Game warden: Didn’t
you see the no-fishing sign, son?
not fishing, sir. I’m teaching these worms how to
If you’re in the woods, how can you tell if a tree
is a dogwood? A: By its bark
Q. If there are two potheads in the back of a car,
then who is driving? A. The cop!
Q: What do you call an event when two cities that
legalized marijuana get together. A: The Super Bowl
Funniest Joke in the
Two hunters are out in
the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't
seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The
other man pulls out his cell phone and calls
emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My
friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a
calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a
silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the
hunter says, "OK, now what?"
Patient: "Doctor, I've
got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
Doctor: "I've got some
cream for that."
Another Runner Up:
A patient says, "Doctor,
last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having
dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say:
'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I
said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my
Still Another Runner Up:
A man and a friend are
playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to
chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral
procession on the road next to the course. He stops
in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his
eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says:
"Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing
I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The other man replies,
"Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
One More Runner Up:
Canuck: "Where are you
U OF TRENTON GRAD "I come
from a place where we do not end our sentences with
Canuck: "OK - where are
you from, jackass?"
Why don't SHARKS attack
Kinder Morgan executives?
Fishing For Whiskey
“Poor Old fool,” thought
the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man
fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the
old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their
whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old
man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied,
“You’re the eighth.”
Life In The Great
An elderly gentlemen went in for his annual physical
exam. The doctor said, "You're in incredible shape.
How old are you again?" The man replied, "I am 78."
The doctor exclaimed, "Wow, 78. How do you stay so
healthy? You look like a 60 year old."
The man explained, "Well, my wife and I made a pact
when we got married that whenever she got mad she
would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would
go outside to settle down."
"What does that have to do with it?" asked the
The man sighed, "I've pretty much lived an outdoor
Where does a fish keep his money? In the river bank
A fisherman picks his
dog up from the veterinarian who says
" I've got
good news for you, your dog has worms."
FOR SALE: PARACHUTE. ONLY USED ONCE, NEVER OPENED!
Q: Why are the Vancouver Canucks like
Canada Post? A: They both wear uniforms and don't
Some friends of an old
gentleman decided to get him something special
for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.
She went to his house and knocked on the door. Upon
opening it she said "Hi I am your birthday
He responded, "What am I supposed to do with you?" "
I am yours for super sex", she answers.
He replies: "Well I am 90 years old so I will take
great for kids. It’s energetic, competitive, and
skillful… and best of all it keeps them off the
George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his
KIDS ARE QUICK!
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the
WHAT'S IN YOUR EAR?
There were two old fellows who were chatting.
Suddenly one of them asked, "What in the world is
that sticking out of your right ear?"
The other, with a puzzled look, said, "I
don't know", and reached up pulling out the object,
then exclaimed, "My word, a suppository!"
Then he slapped his forehead and excitedly
declared, "Now I know what I did with my hearing
Q: What do you get from sitting on the snow too
long? A: Polaroids!
Physiotherapist Four women were playing
golf. The first teed off and watched in horror as
her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men.
One of the men immediately grabbed his crotch and
fell to the ground in agony. The woman rushed over
to the man and began to apologize. "Please allow me
to help," she begged. "I'm a professional
physiotherapist, and I can quickly relieve your
pain." "No, I'll be okay, just give me a minute," he
said, as he rolled on the ground in the fetal
position, still clasping his hands over his crotch.
The woman persisted and insisted she could help, so
the man finally agreed. She gently took his hands
away from his crotch. Then, she loosened his pants
and began to gently massage his privates. "Does that
feel better?" she asked. "It feels great," he said,
"but my thumb still hurts like crazy." By Angel A
Worlds Best Salesman
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a
Sorry, we dont need anyone they replied.
You cant afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone
Well, we have two prospects that no one has been
able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you
have a job.
He was gone about two hours and returned and handed
them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for
How in the world did you do that? they asked.
I told you Im the worldes best salesman, I can sell
anyone anything, anytime!
Did you get a urine sample? they asked him.
Whats that? he asked.
Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company
requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles
and go back and get urine samples.
He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about
to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon
buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down
and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two
bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says,
Heres Mr. Jones and this one is Mrs. Johnsons.
Thats good, they said, but whats in those two
Well, I passed by the school house and they were
having a state teachers convention -so I stopped and
sold them a group policy!
can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?
A. Stick his bill up his BUTT
This is dedicated to all
of us who are seniors, to all of you who know
seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors
WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The irate customer calling the newspaper office,
Loudly demanded to know where her Sunday
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is
The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the
Followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to
"Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church
A SKELETON COULDN' T
GO TO THE PARTY BECAUSE HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY_BODY
TO GO WITH (LOL)
ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO
CHANGE VEGETABLE SOUP INTO GOLD --
add 24 carrots !!!
At the Irish wedding
reception the D.J. yelled, "OK, all you married men
please stand next to the one person who has made
your life worth living." …The bartender was almost
crushed to death.
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of
men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole
Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why
men think with their head and women with their
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend
and I were getting into
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she
eventually says “I don’t feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the
planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as
a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs
as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by
saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not
what I do for you in the bedroom?”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that
night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of
work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went
shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her
while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She
couldn’t decide which one to
take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She
wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a
pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked
out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She
must have thought I was one wave short of a
shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me
because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I
threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine,
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all
of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said,
“I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,
“No honey, I don’t feel
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw
dropped with a baffled
I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this
stuff for a while. You’re
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man
enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a
woman.” And just when she had this look like she was
going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love
me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.
I was in a
a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into
the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire
need of repair and the whole thing generally looked
like an extra in the film "Twister". I asked the
manager what had happened. He told me that the
driver had set the"cruise control" and then went in
the back to make a sandwich.
The Jewish Elbow
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her
grown Grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am
in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front
With your elbow , push button 301. I will buzz you
in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow push 3. When you get
out, I'm on the left.
With your elbow , hit my doorbell.
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting
all these buttons with my elbow?
"What ... You coming empty handed?"
Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their
handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson
to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me.
I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver
so you will always remember me.
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about
you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna
da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife,
alotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you
wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and
say, 'times up'? "
FATHER DELANY AND THE DRUNK
"Would you like me to
help you upstairs?" the father asked.
"Yesh," the man slowly sputtered.
When they got up to the second floor, the father
"Is this your floor?"
"Yesh," again the man replied.
Then Father Delany got to thinking that maybe he
to face the man's irate wife because she may think
he was the
one who got the man drunk. So he opened the first
door he came
to and shoved him through it, then went back
downstairs. Lo and
behold, when the father went back outside, there was
tramp lying on the sidewalk.
So he asked that man, "Do you live here?"
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
So he did and pushed him in the same door with the
Then the father went back downstairs, where, to his
there was another tramp.
Before the priest got to him, the tramp staggered
over to a
policeman and cried out, "For God's sake, offisher,
from thish man. He'sh been takin' me upstairsh and
down the fire escape all night!"
photographers are in the men’s room at the urinal.
One guy is a
Canonian and the other a Nikonian.
The Nikon guy finishes his business first. He simply
zips his fly and heads for the door. As he was
leaving, the Canon guy turns his head towards him
and says “Excuse me, Canon photographers wash our
hands when we are finished urinating”. The Nikon guy
says ” I understand, but us Nikon guys don’t pee on
can you tell if you have a stupid sled dog?
chases parked snowmobiles!
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.......
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a
professional. In over twenty years I've never
laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his
trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the
nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't
have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to
control herself, the nurse started giggling, then
fell to the floor laughing. Five minutes later she
was able to struggle to her feet and regain her
composure. "I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know
what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a
lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,
what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Fred
replied. She ran out of the room.
WHY DID THE SQUIRREL SLEEP ON HIS
TO KEEP HIS NUTS WARM
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm
for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly
shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with
picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence, and they
all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming
out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of
the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator....'
Some old men can still think fast.
"Life is a gift."
Two campers are walking through the woods when a
huge grizzly bear suddenly appears in the clearing
about 50 feet in front of them.
The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward
The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of
sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The
second guy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t
help you outrun that bear."
"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy
says. "I just need to outrun you."
The wife left a note on the fridge: "It's
not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay
at my Mother's." I opened the fridge, the light
came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what
in the hell she was talking about............the
fridge works fine. WOMEN, who can understand them?
Where there's a will, there's a way An old gentleman
lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his
annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult
work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent,
who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad
because it looks like I won't be abl...e to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to
be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here
my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy
to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love,
Papa A few days later he received a letter from his
son.Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden. That's
where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie At 4 a.m.
the next morning, FBI agents and local police
arrived and dug up the entire area without finding
any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter
from his son. Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the
tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
WANT TO BUY A TIE A fleeing Taliban, desperate for
water, was plodding through the Afghan desert
when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water,
he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little
old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you
like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an
over-priced tie. I need
water! I should kill you, but I must find water
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter
that you do not
want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show
you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over
that hill to the
east for about two miles, you will find a lovely
restaurant. It has
all the ice cold water you need.
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he
staggered back, almost dead & said,
"Your f**king brother won't let me in without a
FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you
$800 to drop that
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her
towel and stands naked
in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her
$800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,
'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything
about the $800 he owes
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position
to prevent avoidable
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to
reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling
the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand but, changing gears, he
let his hand slide
up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and
went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the
manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says,
'I'll give each of
you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want
to be in the Bahamas
,driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to
be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an
endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the
office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing
nothing. A small rabbit
saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like
you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and
rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to
be able to get to
the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I
haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my
droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it
actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly
perched at the top
of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him
out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there..
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It
was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped
some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow
dung, he began to realize
how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to
sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Fever Four high school boys
afflicted with spring fever skipped
morning classes. After lunch they
reported to the teacher that they
had a flat tire. Much to their
relief she smiled and said, "Well,
you missed a test today so take
seats apart from one another and
take out a piece of paper." Still
smiling, she waited for them to sit
down. Then she said: "First
Question: Which tire was flat?"
"I've really had it with my dog,"
said the first guy to his neighbor.
"He'll chase anyone on a bicycle"
"Hmmm, that is a problem," said the
neighbor. "What are you thinking of
doing about it?"
"Guess the only answer is to
confiscate his bike!"
and His New Bike
A nerd was walking down the sidewalk
one day when his friend, another
nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny
The first nerd was stunned by his
friend's sweet ride and asked, "WOW!
Where did you get such a nice bike?"
The second nerd replied, "Well,
yesterday I was walking home,
minding my own business, when a
beautiful woman rode up to me on
this bike. She threw the bike to the
ground, took off all her clothes and
said, 'Take what you want!'" The
second nerd nodded approvingly,
"Good choice. The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."
Temperature Conversion Chart
50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadians plant gardens.
40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably
35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows
32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
Distilled water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.
0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn
on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of
-40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)
Canadians rent some videos.
-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies
-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they
can't thaw the keg.
-459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion
Canadians start saying "cold, eh? "
-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Cup
believe it . . . they sent my Census
In response to the question: "Do you
have any dependants?" I replied -
"2.1 million illegal immigrants; 1.1
million crack heads; 4.4 million
unemployable people, 901 thousand
people in over 85 prisons; and 565
idiots in Parliament.
Apparently, this was NOT an
acceptable answer. Who did I miss ?
This says it all...about getting
older & the whole aging thing. An
elderly couple are attending church
services... About halfway through,
she writes a note and hands it to
her husband. It says, "I just let
out a silent fart. What do you think
I should do?" He scribbles back,
"Put a new battery in your hearing
After 35 years of marriage, a
husband and wife came for
counseling. When asked what the
problem was, the wife went into a
passionate, painful tirade listing
every problem they had ever had in
the years they had been married.
On and on and on: The neglect, lack
of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an
entire laundry list of unmet needs
she had endured..
Finally, after allowing this for a
sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the
desk and after asking the wife to
stand, he embraced and kissed her
long and passionately as her husband
watched with a raised eyebrow. The
woman shut up and quietly sat down
as though in a daze. The therapist
turned to the husband and said,
'This is what your wife needs at
least 3 times a week. Can you do
'Well, I can drop her off here on
Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
Fridays, I fish.'
Henry Ford dies and goes to
heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter
greets Ford, and tells him,
"Well,you've been such a good guy,
and your invention...the
assemblyline for the
automobile...changed the world. As a
reward, you can hang out with anyone
in Heaven you want." Ford thinks
about it, and says, - "I want to
hang out with God Himself." So, the
befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to
the Throne Room,and introduces him
to God. Ford then asks God, "When
you invented Woman, what were You
thinking?" God asks, "What do you
mean?" Well," says Ford, "You have
some major design flaws in your
invention. 1. There's too much
front end protrusion. 2. It
chatters way too much at high
speeds. 3. Maintenance is
extremely high. 4. It
constantly needs repainting, and
refinishing. 5. It is out of
commission at least 5 or 6 days of
every 28 6. The rear end
wobbles too much. 7. The
intake is placed too close to the
exhaust. 8. The headlights are
usually too small. 9. Fuel
consumption is outrageous. And
that's just to name a few."
"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a
minute." God goes over to the
Celestial Supercomputer, types in a
few keystrokes, and waits for the
results. In no time the computer
prints out a report, and God reads
it. God then turns to Ford, and
says, "It may be that my design is
flawed, but according to these
statistics, more men are riding my
invention than yours."
You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running
over it with your car.
Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a
flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the
other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A
potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an
excellent hockey puck.
You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then
breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting
small game with a slingshot made from the elastic
waistband of your underwear.
The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent
A large chinook can be used for a pillow.
Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be warn
camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in
The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight
of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for
It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain
road behind a large motor home.
Effective January 1, 1998, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss
Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.
Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The
tricky part is getting them on the bears.
In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a
snoring tent mate.
TO LIVE FOREVER"
I met a fairy today that granted me one wish. "I
want to live forever, " I said.
"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant
wishes like that!"
"Fine" I said, "I want to die after the Canucks win
a Stanley Cup!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a waterpark.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to
turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of
If someone forgets to invite you,
he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Men Are Just Happier People
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they
will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,Bubba
and Wildman .
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will
each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none
will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't
need but it's on sale.
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush
and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap,
and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's
bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify
more than 20 of these items.
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of
a new argument.
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a
· A man never worries about the future until he gets
· A successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
change, but she does.
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the
plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a
book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her
children. She knows about dentist appointments and
romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears
and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living
in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no
use in two people remembering the same thing!
had a hunting dog for sale for an unusual amount of
money. Another man interested in buying the dog
asked him why he wanted so much. They took the dog
to the woods. The owner told the dog to go hunt. The
dog took off into the woods and came back in a
couple of minutes and scratched his foot on the
ground three times. The hunters went into the woods
and killed three rabbits and could not find anymore.
The owner said you could hunt the woods all day and
could not find any more than three rabbits. The
buyer was impressed and bought the dog.
The new owner took the dog hunting the next weekend
and told the dog to go find the rabbits. The dog
took off into the woods and stayed gone for almost
thirty minutes. When the dog returned he was humping
on the man's leg, scratching the ground, and shaking
a stick in his mouth. The guy thought the dog went
crazy and shot him. About two weeks later he saw the
previous owner and told him what had happened.
The old owner told him that the dog was trying to
tell him that there were more f***ing rabbits in the
woods than you could shake a stick at
farmer was having problems with a bear climbing up
his tree in the back yard, so he hired this guy who
came very highly recommended to catch the bear.
The hunter came with a shotgun, rope, and a small
dog. He gave the shotgun to the farmer and said,
"Stay down here and I'll climb the tree, and shake
the branches. When the bear falls, my dog will bite
on his nuts, and while the bear is in agony, I'll
come down and tie him up with the rope. Okay?"
The farmer nodded his head and asked, "But what is
the shotgun for?"
The hunter replied, "Well, sometimes I fall off the
tree. In that case, shoot the dog - fast!"
woman goes into Wal-mart to buy a rod and reel. She
doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one
and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-mart
associate standing there with dark glasses on. She
asks, "Excuse me sir. Can you tell me anything about
this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you drop it on the
counter I can tell you everything you need to know
about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't
believe him, but dropped it all on the counter
He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202
reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around
rod and reel, and it's $20." She says, "That's
amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound
of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm
looking for, so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register. And in
the meantime, the woman farts. At first she is
embarrassed, but then realizes that there is no way
he could tell it was she. Being blind, he wouldn't
know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the
duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is
game warden stops a duck hunter at the end of a days
hunt and asks to check his birds. The hunter says
sure go right ahead. The warden picks up the first
duck puts his finger up it's ass and smells it and
says, "This is a Utah duck. Do you have a Utah
license?" The man pulls out his wallet and shows him
his Utah license.
The warden picks up the second duck puts his finger
up its ass, smells it and says, "This is a Wyoming
duck. Do you have a Wyoming license?" The man shows
him his Wyoming license.
The warden then picks up the third duck sticks his
finger up its ass and says, "This here is a Colorado
duck. Do you have a Colorado hunting license?" The
hunter shows him his Colorado hunting license.
The game warden says, "You sure do carry a lot of
hunting licenses with you. Where you from anyway?"
The hunter drops his drawers bends over and says,
"You're so damn smart, you tell me!"
Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting.
first time ever hunting, so he was following Bob’s
Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in
the exact spot he was and to be quiet!
After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran
back and asked Joe what had happened.
Joe said "There was this snake and he slithered
across my feet, but I never screamed.
Then there was this bear that came up to me and
snarled, but I never screamed."
"So then what did make you scream," Bob asked,
exasperated. "Well," Joe continued, "two squirrels
crawled up my pants and I overheard them say,
"Should we take them home or eat ’em now?
Fishing Jokes >> Catching many fish
fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that
was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the
cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who
had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second
fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first
fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?"
Fishing Jokes >> Catching the bear
men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the
cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He
soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his
rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as
he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a
little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped
and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him
and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled
to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go
and get another!"
Have you hear the one about the Atheist and The
An atheist is out walking in the woods when he turns
a corner and encounters a large bear. The atheist
turns and runs, and the grizzly gives chase. The man
trips, and the bear is upon him, its teeth bared,
its paws ready to strike.
The man screams, “Ohmygod!“
Suddenly, time stops. A brilliant light parts the
forest gloom. A voice from the light booms, “You
deny my very existence, and yet in your moment of
need you call upon me? Don’t you see how
hypocritical that is?”
The man says, “I do, oh Lord. And since it probably
wouldn’t be right to suddenly treat me as a
Christian, could you at least turn the bear into
“Very well,” says the voice.
Time resumes. The bear is again looming over the
man, ready to strike. But before it does, it kneels,
folds its paws in prayer and says, “Oh, Lord, thank
you for the food I am about to receive …”
A Dozen True Complaints Received by Forest
These complaints are of the sort that make Will and
Guy laugh, sometime out loud. You just couldn't make
them up; yet, on the other hand the things that
people moan about are unbelievable.
A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of
pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed?
Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.
Trails need to be wider so people can walk while
Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse.
Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid
building trails that go uphill.
Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider
webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of
Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can
get to wonderful views without having to hike to
The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept
me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.
Need more signs to keep area pristine.
A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead.
Too many rocks in the mountains.
The places where trails do not exist are not well
FISH'N - WHEN ANGLERS Meet: "Hiyamac""Lobuddy""Binearlong?""Coplours""Cetchenny?""Goddafew""Kindarthay?""Chumntrout""Ennysizetoom?""Couplapowns""Hittinhard?""Sordalike""Wachoosen?
men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After
a while, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I
can't help but think, from listening to you, that
you're from Sweden.' The other guy responds proudly,
'Yes, that I am!' The first guy says, 'So am
I! And where about from Sweden might you be'? The
other guy answers, 'I'm from Stockholm, I am.'
The first guy responds, 'So am I!' 'Sure and begorra..
And what street did you live on in Stockholm The
other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was.
I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part
of town.' The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a
small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school
would you have been going'? The other guy answers,
'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.' The
first guy gets really excited and says, 'And
so did I. Tell me, what year did you
graduate'? The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's
see. I graduated in 1984.' The first guy exclaims,
'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can
hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the
same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated
from St. Mary's in 1984 my own self!' About this
time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders
a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky,
shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a
long night tonight.' Vicky asks, 'Why do you
say that, Brian'? 'The Sedin twins are pissed
drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his
gear and goes walking around until he finds a big
patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice
and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud
booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find
no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts
sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I
said before, there are no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't
see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one
more time to finish.
Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice
interrupts. "I have warned you three times now.
There are no fish!"
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so
he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no
fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"
"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this
Peter and Satan were having an argument one day
about hockey. Satan proposed a game to be played on
neutral ice between a select team from the heavenly
host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you
realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players
and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered
unperturbed, "We've got all the referees."
hockey hooligan appeared in court charged with
disorderly conduct and assault. The arresting
officer, giving evidence, stated that the accused
had thrown something into the canal.
"What exactly was it that he threw into the canal"
asked the magistrate.
"Well, that's hardly an offence is it?"
"It was in this case, sir," said the police officer.
"Stones was the referee".
Canadians and three Americans were traveling to a
The three Americans each buy tickets and watch as
the three Canadians buy only a single ticket. How
are the three people going to travel on only one
ticket?", asks an American.
Watch and you'll see," says a Canadian. They all
board the train. The Americans take their respective
seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom
and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the
bathroom door and says,
"Ticket please!" The door opens a crack, a single
arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor
takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and
agree it was quite a clever idea.
So after the game they decide to copy the Canadians
on the return trip and save some money. When they
get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment the Canadians
don't buy a ticket at all.
How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks
one perplexed American.
"Watch and you'll see," replies a Canadian.
When they board the train the three Americans cram
into a bathroom and the three Canadians cram into
another bathroom nearby.
Once the train leaves the station, one of the
Canadians leaves and walks over to the other
bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on
the door and says, "Ticket please!
hockey player is walking down the street with a case
of beer under his arm.
His friend Doug stops him and asks,
" Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
" I got it for my wife, eh" answers Bob.
" Oh!" exclaims Doug, " Good trade."
new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology
courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone
who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few
seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said,
'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed
cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that,
mommy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who
then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying
attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'
Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to
their local police station where they saw pictures
tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted
criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a
picture and asked if it really was the photo of a
wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The
detectives want very badly to capture him.
Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his
father. He watched as his father moved from horse
to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's
legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,
I have to make sure that they are healthy and in
good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS
guy wants to buy Mom ....'
INTERVIEW WITH DR CHANG
I'M NOT GOING TO CHANGE A THING LOL]
Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can
prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that
it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out
eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live
longer; it like saying you extend life of car by
driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is
distilled wine, that mean they take water out of
fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that
way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your
ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio
two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating
in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy
is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in
vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How
could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a
little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get
bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another
vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any
misconceptions you may have had about food and
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and
well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways
- Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the
final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to
know the truth after all those conflicting
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans..
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of
sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
apparently what kills you.
CANADIAN JOKE #1
After the North American Beer Festival, all the
brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor,
I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and
gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer
in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer
made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a
Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a
Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but
gives him what he ordered. The other brewery
presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you
drinking a Molson's?" The Molson president replies,
"Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer,
neither would I.
safest place in Canada!
CANADIAN JOKE #2
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of
beer under his arm.
His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha
get the case of beer
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
CANADIAN JOKE #3
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (i.e., a
Newfoundlander) He went to the neurosurgeon and
asked, "Is there anything you can do to me that
would make me into a Newfie?".
"Sure it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I
have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll
be a Newfie."
The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately
underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon's
knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the
patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out
2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly
remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the
patient's bed as the patient recovered from the
anaesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious,
the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry,
but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting
out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of
The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit,
CANADIAN JOKE #4
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and
Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades;
the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing
CANADIAN JOKE #5
In Canada, we have two seasons...six months of
winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
CANADIAN JOKE #6
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian
walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each
buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about
to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each
of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away
from him in disgust. The American
fished the offending fly out of his beer and
continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The
Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started
shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT,
SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
CANADIAN JOKE #7
A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned
room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or
white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!" yelled the Quebecer.
CANADIAN JOKE #8
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a
terrible car accident. They were all brought to the
same emergency room, but all three of them died
before they arrived. Just as they were about to put
the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened
his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present
asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash,
and then there was a beautiful light, and then the
Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the
gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said
that we were all too young to die, and said that for
a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of
course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50,
and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's
amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what
happened to the
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot
was haggling over the price and the Canadian was
waiting for the government to pay his."
HOCKEY -- I BELIEVE
Gretzky, Mario Lemieux and Steve Yzerman all die and
meet in heaven. God is sitting in his chair waiting
for them. God says to the three legends, gentleman
before I let you in, you must tell me what you
believe. "Mario we'll start with you, in what do you
believe?" "I believe hockey is the greatest thing in
the world and the best sport in history" To that god
says "take the seat to my left" God then turns to
Steve and says, "Steven, in what do you believe?" To
which Steve replies "I believe to be the best,
you've got to give every ounce you've got!" To that
god says "take the seat to my Right" God then turns
to number 99 and says "Wayne, tell me what do you
believe?" To which Wayne replies I believe you are
sitting in my seat
The End - Eh?
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his
favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm.
A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between
The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain
ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you
something to wipe your nose on.
Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping.
Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other
ear, do not go into the woods alone.
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side
dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent
In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by
shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband
of your underwear.
This duck walks into a convenience store and
asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk
says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you
have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the
The day after that, the duck walks in the store
again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk
screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past
two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you
no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear
if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes,
I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"
The duck left, and returned the next day. This time
he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk
replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any
by Kent B. Van Cleave
George W. Bush was bragging to Russian President
Putin. "Our Homeland Security measures have been so
effective that we are now terrorist-free!"
"Come, now, George," Putin laughed. "Surely you
"No, not at all. I'll tell you what. The first three
terrorists you see, you can shoot them yourself, and
you can have my job to boot!"
The very next day on his way to fly home, Putin
spotted four men holding a group of people at
gunpoint, taking their belongings, making dire
threats to all who offered resistance. The Russian
president quickly put a stop to it as Bush had
The headline for the morning's Washington Post read,
"Slavic Man Claims He's President, Shoots Four FAA
Count The Fish
One day some fisherman
caught tons of fish called tench.
The fisherman couldn't eat them all so they gave
them to the Mayor of the town.
The Mayor wasn't sure what to do with them. Then
he had an idea; he would have a fish-eating
When they had the competition, there were two
finalists: a man from a place called Fife, whose
name was Mr. Hicks and a man that was from
Sweden, whose name is Sven.
So they had the final; the Mayor fired the
starting pistol and they started eating the
No sooner had Mr. Hicks bitten the fish than one
of his teeth fell out. He couldn't eat because
of this so he stopped, but the Mayor refused to
stop the competition.
So Sven kept on eating and ended up eating nine
of these tench fish.
The next day the headlines read:
ONE TOOTH FREE FOR FIFE HICKS, SVEN ATE NINE
walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a
sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and
shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to
go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going?
You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your
sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey
man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his
dictionary and sees the following definition for
panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin,
characterized by distinct black and white coloring.
Eats shoots and leaves."
When the employees of a restaurant attended a
fire safety seminar, they watched a fire
official demonstrate the proper way to operate an
extinguisher. "Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he
explained, "then depress the trigger to release the
Later an employee was selected to extinguish a
controlled fire in the parking lot. In her
nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.
The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade,
In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin -- and
hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.
Cooking Jokes and Humor
A couple had been married fifteen years. One
afternoon they were working in the garden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the
husband said, "Honey, your butt is getting big. I
bet it is as big as the gas grill now." The husband,
feeling he needed to prove his point, got a
yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his
wife's butt. "Yep, he said, "Just what I thought,
just about the same size!"
The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do
the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't
speak to her husband the rest of the day. That
evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled
up to his wife, and said, "How about it honey?" How
about a little lovemaking?" The wife rolled over and
turned her back to him, giving him the cold
"What's the matter?" he asked. She replied, "You
don't think I am going to fire up this big grill for
one little weenie, do you?"
Peanut butter & jam
A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you
don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad
dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door,
and if he says anything, just tell him you were
eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my
mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on
your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on
A Proper Goldfish Burial
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when
his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up
to he politely asked "what are you up to there tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully. without
looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, " That's an awfully big
hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry,
dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his
chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily
dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet
in front of the sheriff.
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his
horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where
the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail,
and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the
swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there,
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked."
Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em.
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his
engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the
head table, he suddenly realized that he had
forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my
The man said, "No problem." With that he reached
into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false
teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair...try
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I
have one more paid of false teeth...try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he
ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went
over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is
your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local
DEFINITION OF A MEAN FARTER -- FARTS IN BED AND
PULLS THE COVERS OVER HIS WIFE'S HEAD ( AKA THE
A really good-looking girl was giving a man a
manicure in the
"How about a date when you finish work?" he asked.
"I can't" she replied, "I am married."
"So call up you husband and tell him you're going to visit a
sick girlfriend," said the man.
"Why don't you tell him yourself" said the girl, "he's the one
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on
your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party,
and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you
play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then . . .
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in
luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating,
room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.
What's the difference between a lawyer and
mosquito? A mosquito drops off you when you die!
women were walking through the woods when a frog
called out to them and said: “Help me, ladies! I am
a real estate broker who, through a curse, has been
transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me,
I’ll be returned to my former state!”
One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and
stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman said,
“Didn’t you hear him? If you kiss him, he’ll turn
into a real estate broker!”
The second woman replied, “Sure, but these days a
talking frog is worth more than a
A broker was dismayed when a brand new real
estate office much like his own opened up next door
and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST AGENTS.'
He was horrified when another competitor opened up
on his right, and announced its arrival with an even
larger sign, reading 'LOWEST COMMISSIONS.'
The broker panicked, until he got an idea. He put
the biggest sign of all over his own real estate
office. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he
noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded
a higher place than he.
"I don't understand," he complained to God. "I
devoted my entire life to my congregation."
"Our policy here in heaven is to reward results,"
God explained. "Now, was your congregation well
attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"
"Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the
congregation fell asleep from time to time."
"Exactly," said God, "and when people rode in this
man's taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even
Bloke walks into a butcher's. Butcher says,
"Bet you a tenner that you
can't jump up and touch the meat that's hung up on
the ceiling with
Bloke says, "No thanks."
Butcher says, "OK, bet you twenty quid that you
can't jump up and hit
the meat that's hung up on the ceiling."
Bloke says, "No thanks mate."
Butcher says, "OK, OK, I'll give you a hundred quid
if you can do it."
Bloke says, "No thanks mate, the steaks are too
men were in
ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two
fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said
to the other, "Please help yourself." The other one
said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish.
After a tense silence, the first one said, "really,
now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would
have taken the smaller fish!" The other one replied,
"What are you complaining for; you have it, don't
What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered
into his shop? Shoe!
BAD AIR FLIGHT
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my
crew I'd like to welcome you aboard So-So Airline
flight 602 from New York to Punta Cana. We are
currently flying at a eight of 35,000 feet going
South the Atlantic.
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard
side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the
starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the port side,
you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you
will see a little yellow life raft with three people
in it waving at you.
"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of
the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message."
Pray for McDonalds
A Mother and her five year old son were headed to
McDonald's one day. On the way they passed a car
As was the tradition when they see something
terrible like that, they say a prayer for those who
might be hurt.
The mother pointed and said to her son, "We should
From the back seat she heard his earnest request:
"Please, God, don't let those cars block the
entrance to McDonald's."
Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at
Proctologist: A brain surgeon for lawyers.
A proctologist is the rare profession in which the
M.D. starts out at the
bottom and stays there.
Two proctologists are discussing their most baffling
cases. One proctologist
tells the other one about the time he put his hand
into a patient and pulled out a large bouquet of
flowers. The other proctologist looked really amazed
and asked, "Where did those flowers come from?" The
other proctologist answered very cooly, "How should
I know. There wasn't any card!!"
A proctologist pulls out a thermometer from his
shirt pocket. He looks at it
and says, "Shit, some asshole has my pen."
A group of American
tourists were being guided through an ancient
castle in Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years
old. Not a stone
in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing
replaced in all
"Well," said one woman dryly, "they must have the
into a bar with a big ship's wheel sticking out of his pants. The
bartender says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship's
wheel down the front of your pants?" And the pirate says...
"Aaargh, it's driving me nuts!!"
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a
gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and
all his professionalism went out the window. He
immediately told her to undress. After she had
disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any
abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to
fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any
lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having
sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know
what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is
why I came here in the first place.
Lawyer dies and goes to heaven
A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the
old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello
mate," says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Lawyers in
"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Lawyers."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done,
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I
gave 10 dollars to the starving
children in Africa".
"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars
to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I
gave 10 dollars to the Albanian
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute
while I have a word with the boss."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a
word with God and he
agrees with me. Here's your thirty dollars back, now
take a hike!"
famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was
gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was
displayed in front of a huge heart. When the
minister finished with the sermon and after everyone
said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the
coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started
laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
Weight Loss for Men
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb.
weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year
old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike
running shoes and a sign around her neck. She
introduces herself as a representative of the weight
loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me,
you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A
few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally
gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four
days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day,
he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has
lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound
program. The next day there's a knock at the door
and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy
woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around
her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have
me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his
best, but no such luck. So for the next four days,
the same routine happens with him gradually getting
in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs
himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20
lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and
calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the
phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when
he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing
there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a
sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,
your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.
Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos
in the midst of order is.[Steve Martin]
not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it
Freebase? What's free about it?!
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your
order is not the one who brings your food anymore?
What is that about? And which waiter are you
tipping, anyway? I think that next time I go to a
restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the
food. The guy who pays the bill will be along
you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red
light, that when the person in front of you pulls up
a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up
too? Do we really think we are making progress
toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be
late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can
stop for coffee and a danish!"
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman
stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman
having large breasts makes men stupid. [Rita
vegetarians eat animal crackers?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because
they taste funny?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he
knows where all the bad girls live.
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking
five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and
we have no idea where she is.
I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze
pilots wore helmets.
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten
Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou
shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,”
and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of
lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a
hostile work environment.
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
The Vegas Hooker
A guy is strolling along Vegas Strip when a stunning
hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation
and eventually asks, "How much?"
The Hooker replies, "$500 for a hand-job." The guy's
jaw drops: "$500 dollars, For a hand-job! No
hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Hard Rock cafe on
"Do you see the Hard Rock about a block further
"And beyond that, do you see that third Cafe?"
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own
those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job
that's worth $500."
The Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later,
the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just
experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every
bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a
blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that."
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window,
big boy. See that casino just across the street? I
own it. And I own it because I give a blow-job
that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific
hand-job, says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more
amazed than before. He can't believe it but he feels
he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip
into the pension savings for one glorious and
unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How
much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window. Do
you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out
before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling
palaces, and showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a
Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest
that he has committed adultery.
"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most
promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie
"I'd rather not say who it was."
"Was it with Betty Smith?"
"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives
him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the
church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.
"Yes, and two very good leads!"
Don't Force Men to Shop
This is why women should not
take men shopping
against their will.
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton
insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to
Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most
men; he found shopping boring and preferred to get
in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton
was like most women; she loved to browse.
One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter
from her local Wal-Mart :
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been
causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot
tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both
of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Fenton are listed below and are documented by our
video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly
put them in people's carts when they weren't
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares
to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
an official sounding voice, "Code 3 in Housewares.
Get on it right way."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to
put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign
to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping
department and told other shoppers he'd invite them
in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could
help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't
you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera
and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While carelessly handling guns in
the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously
while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible"
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced
his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the
loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and
screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least ..
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey!
There's no toilet paper in here!"
Patti Barber, Office Supervisor IAccounting Unit,
Behavioral Health Services
wealthiest church in town,
ordered some cleaning supplies from the hardware
store. When they arrived, the driver asked Bill to
sign for them. Bill went into the pastor’s office
and asked the pastor to sign for them. Puzzled, the
pastor told Bill to sign for them.
“I can’t,” said Bill. “I can’t read or write.”
“Well,” replied the pastor, “I’m going to have to
let you go, Bill. I’m sorry but we can’t have a
janitor that can’t read or write.”
Bill started walking home, wondering how he was
going to tell his wife the bad news, when he reached
for his pipe and found he had run out of tobacco. He
searched the neighborhood looking for a tobacco shop
but could find none. And then he got an idea. When
he got home, he told his wife he was going to open a
The venture was so successful that Bill soon opened
another, and then another until in ten years he was
opening his one
hundredth tobacco shop.
A feature writer from USA Today came to interview
Bill on this great occasion. When she had finished
she asked Bill if he’d like to read over her notes.
“Yes, I would like to”, said Bill “but I can’t read
“My Gosh”, said the young lady. “You’ve accomplished
so much. Just imagine what you’d be if you could
read and write!”
“Yes,” smiled Bill. “I’d be the janitor in a
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of
them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and
his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his
phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps,
"My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator
says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure
he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is
heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a
camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they
retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours
later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you
see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes"
exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically,
it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I
observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I
deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past
three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have
a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see
that God is all powerful, and that we are a small
and insignificant part of the universe. What does it
tell you, Holmes?" "Watson, you idiot!" he exclaims,
"Somebody's stolen our tent!"
Beware of Dog
As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a
sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a
harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the
"Is that the dog we're supposed to beware of?" he
asks the owner.
"That's him," comes the reply.
"He doesn't look dangerous to me. Why would you post
"Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping
For all of you out there who've had to deal with an
irate customer, this
one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those
we all love!
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent
in Denver for being
smart and funny, and making her point, when
confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to
fly as cargo.
A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent
was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the
desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and
said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to
try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure
we'll be able to work
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so
that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you
have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and
grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have
your attention please?" she began, her voice
bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a
passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE
IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please
come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing
hysterically, the man glared at the United agent,
gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry,
sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that,
too." Submitted by Glaci Edited by BreeBrown
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for
several years, decided they needed to visit a
cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the
madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't
going to waste any of her girls on these two old
So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the
dolls in each man's room and left them to their
After the two men were finished, they started for
home and got to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was
dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how
was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the
second man, "when I
nibbled on her breast.....she farted and flew out
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus
driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever
seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus
and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to
her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says:
"You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead,
I'll hold your monkey for you."
"What kind of murderer has moral fibre?" — "A cereal
An old Indian was sittin' on a bench in 100 mile
house and a Texan came by. You know my property in
Texas is so big it takes me a day to ride across it
on my horse. The old Indain looks at him and says
"geezh I gotta horsh like dat too cowboy!"
goes to a nursing home to review
an elderly customer. As he is sitting there, he
notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes
one. As they talk, he can't help himself and eats
one after another.
By the time they are through talking, the bowl is
He says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I seem to have eaten
all of your peanuts."
"That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat
there. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the
chocolate off and put them back.
A little girl walked daily to and from school.
Though the weather one morning was questionable and
clouds were forming, she made the daily trek to the
elementary school. As the day progressed, the winds
whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The
mother was worried that her daughter would be
frightened walking back home from school, and she
herself feared the electrical storm might cause her
harm. Following each roar of the thunder, lightning
would cut through the sky like a flaming sword.
Being very concerned, the mother got into her car
and drove along the route to the school.
Soon she saw her small child walking along. The
thunder would boom, and then, at each flash of
lightning, the child would stop, look and smile. One
followed another, each time with her child stopping,
looking up at the streak of light and smiling.
Finally, the mother called out and asked, "Honey,
what are you doing?" Her little girl answered, "God
keeps taking pictures of me!"
was conducting a group therapy
session with four young mothers and their small
children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with
eating. You even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is
money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is
alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her
little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on,
Dick, let's go home."
you know, the government takes 40 percent of what
you make. The other 60 percent, of course, taken by
the gas stations." -- Jay Leno
Drinking Deer Hunters
One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch
of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening
day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out
the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out
of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in
three different cars until he finally found his,
got inside and rested his head on the steering
wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver,
so now all he had to do was wait for him to
start his engine and pull out of the lot.
A few hours passed by and most of the other deer
hunters had left by then, when the patron
abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and
drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The
deputy followed him and stopped him promptly. He
administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read
Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the
hell was going on. The driver looked at him
innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the
It was the postman's last day on the job after
35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of
weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he
was greeted by the whole family there, who
congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big
At the second house, they presented him with a box
of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection
of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a
strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the
door (which she closed behind him), and led him up
the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind
with the most passionate love he had ever
When he had had enough, they went downstairs, where
she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes,
bacon, sausage, and freshly squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of
steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a
fiver sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he
said, "but what's the fiver for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband
that today would be your last day, and that we
should do something special for you. I asked him
what to give you.
He said, 'Screw him, give him a fiver.'"
The lady smiled and said, "The breakfast was my
Cheap Flower Delivery
A new business was opening and
one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers
for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner
read the card.
It said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to
complain. After he had told the florist of the
obvious mistake and how angry he was,
The florist said:
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather
than getting angry you should imagine this:
somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and
they have flowers with a note saying
'Congratulations on your new location'."
salesmen were bragging who is the best.
The first said, that he is so good he sold a color
television to a blind man.
The second bragged he sold a HI-FI stereo system to
a deaf man.
The third said he sold a Cuckoo clock to a blonde
The other two said, so what? The third salesman
added, along with the Cuckoo clock, I also sold her
one hundred pounds of bird seeds!!!!!
does a Toyota and Tiger Woods have in common?
They both dont know when to stop.
Two morons rent a boat and go fishing.They ...
Two morons rent a boat and go fishing. They catch a
lot of fish and return to the shore.
1st moron: I hope you remember the spot where we
caught all those fish.
2nd moron: Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the
boat to mark the spot.
1st moron: You idiot! How do you know we'll get the
Man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I
have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up
in Alberta with my boss and several of his friends.
We'll be gone for a week." "This is a good
opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been
wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes
for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're
leaving from the office and I will swing by the
house topick my things up. Oh Please pack my new
blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a
little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly
what her husband asked. The following weekend he
comes home a little tired but otherwise looking
good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he
caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye,
some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you
pack my new blue silk pajamas! like I asked you to
do?" The wife replies; "I did, they were in your
walks into the dentist's office and after the
dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to
come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain
and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The man grabs the dentist's arm, "no way. I hate
needles I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with
The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very
sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass
of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill."
The man asks "What is it?"
The doc replies, "Viagra."
The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?"
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you
something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"
you hear that someone broke into our local police
station and stole the toilet? Right now the cops
have nothing to go on....."
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never
been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
does'nt. A man marries a woman expecting that she
won't change and she does.
Love is cuddling on a sofa. Marriage is one of them
sleeping on a sofa.
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside
are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying
to get out.
ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" Following her down the street I
yelled, "No, jump in!"
man said his credit card was stolen but he decided
not to report it because the thief was spending less
than his wife did.
be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you
must love her a lot and not try to understand her at
Someone died playing
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later
than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?"
his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry
had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was
hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
Ten years on a
deserted island -- Golf Joke
A man is stranded on a desert
island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a
speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's
not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he
thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even
closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out
of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman,
wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to
the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've
had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on
her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and
says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've
had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on
her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs
down the front of her wet suit and she says to him,
"And how long has it been since you've had some real
And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've
got golf clubs in there!"
young woman was appearing in court to face a public
disorder charge. The charges were read out, and she
was asked how she pleaded. "Not guilty," the woman
answered emphatically. The prosecution council then
approached the woman and said: "Is it true that on
the 11th of December, last year, you committed an
act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who
was waving a union jack - on the roof of a car,
whilst travelling at over 100mph through the center
of London, in a blizzard?" The woman composed
herself, looked straight at the prosecution council
and calmly said: "What was the date again?"
this guy walks into the bank and up to the teller --
give me a fucking chequing account - I beg your
pardon sir - give me a fucking chequing account -
sorry we dont tolerate that kind of language I'll
have to get the manager. Manager -- what seems to be
the problems sir - I just won 50 million dollars and
i want to open a fucking chequing account - manager
- is this bitch giving you trouble sir?
PRIEST SIPPING VODKA
priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about
getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of
vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get
nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At
the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took
a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found
the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred
to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off
his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he
said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He
did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling
contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest
at St. Taffy's!
Hank Smith gets home from work one day and finds his
wife has been crying. "What's wrong?" he asks.
"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see
the new doctor today and he told me I've got a
"WHAT?" he shouts. With that he grabs a baseball bat
from the cupboard and storms down to the doctor's
office and through the reception area.
Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office.
The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a
breast examination. She screams and tries to cover
herself. Without waiting, Mr. Smith charges up to
the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the
desk and says, "You flaming pervert how dare you say
my wife has a pretty pussy!"
The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but there
has been a misunderstanding. I only told your wife
that she has Acute Angina."
Q. How do you find
a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
There was a traveling salesman whose car became
hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent
blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several
hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but
frozen half to death, he finally reached the
front door and knocked on it. A grizzled old
farmer answered, and the salesman pleaded for a
place to spend the night.
“Why sure young fella, I can give ya a place to
bunk.” said the hospitable old man. “But I
ain’t got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like
ya always hear about in them thar jokes.”
“Oh!” said the salesman. “Just how far is it to
the next house ?”
Your a GOLFaholic if...
*You think that some day you'll shoot your age, when
a more realistic goal would be to shoot your weight!
*You know there's more to life than golf, but your'e
not interested in finding out what it is!
*You quit the game forever, twice a month!
*You buy every new golf gizmo that comes out!
*You think you're skillful and everybody else is
*You miss the ball, but still think it was a great
*The new clubs you just bough cost more than your
mortgage and car payment combined!
*You can't break a 100 but still think you could
give Tiger a few tips!
Top ten reasons why a dog is
better than a woman
10. A dog's parents
will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see
1. A dog does not shop.
The top 20 things not to say
to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar
detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up
with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good
physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish
high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they
are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer
only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so
one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know
there is no other cars around, that's how far they
are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are
the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of
crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged
between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to
speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to
this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full
Top Reasons You know you're addicted to Craigslist:
You post to RnR
and then check back every 10 minutes to see if
anyone has responded to your post
You check the M4W or W4M to see if anyone meets your
standards. They don?t.
You constantly check the free section to see if
anyone has posted a better-looking couch.
You think you "know" people with names like Barnfart
You could furnish your whole apartment on craigslist
You are annoyed when office work takes you away from
reading the ETC. jobs
You think sending someone a copy of a CL listing is
a valid form or personal interaction.
Your e-mail is shoved full of post/edit/delete
messages and you?re too afraid to delete them
because, even though they?ve expired, you might want
to repost them
Lawyer's Consultation fees
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher
shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and
asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my
store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the
dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely.""Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me
today."The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due
for a consultation.
Fisherman John asked his wife,
Mary, what she wanted to celebrate their 40th
"Would you like a new mink coat?" he asked."Not
really," said Mary. "Well how about a new Mercedes
sports car?" said John. "No," she responded. "What
about a new vacation home in the country?" he
suggested. She again rejected his offer. "Well what
would you like for our anniversary?" John asked.
"John, I'd like a divorce," answered Mary. "Sorry, I
wasn't planning to spend that much," said John
Judge Joke -- The judge said to his dentist: “Pull
my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the
Don't worry about the bottles (SOCCER)
At a local
derby between Arsenal and Spurs last season, a
spectator. suddenly found himself in the thick of
dozens of flying bottles.'There's nothing to worry
about, lad,' said the elderly chap standing next to
him. 'It's like the bombs during the war. You won't
get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it.'
'That's just what I'm worried about,' said the fan.
'My name's Johnny Walker
The club duffer
challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a
$100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since
you're obviously much better than I, to even it a
bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'." The golf pro
didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along
with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th
hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to
see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What
happened?" asked one of the members."Well," said the
pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I
brought the club down, that jerk stuck his hand
between my legs and grabbed my balls, then yelled
'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of
golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
A farmer is sitting
in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in
and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on
this beautiful day getting drunk?" Farmer: "Some things
you just can't explain." Man: "So what happened that's
so horrible?" Farmer: "Well, today I was sitting by my
cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full,
she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket." Man:
"Ok, but that's not so bad." Farmer: "Some things you
just can't explain." Man: "So what happened then?"
Farmer: "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on
the left." Man: "And then?" Farmer: "Well, I sat back
down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket
about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the
bucket." Man: "Again?" Farmer: "Some things you just
can't explain." Man: "So, what did you do then?" Farmer:
"I took her right leg this time, and tied it to the post
on the right." Man: "And then?" Farmer: "Well, I sat
back down and began milking her again. Just as got the
bucket about full, when the stupid cow knocked over the
bucket with her tail." Man: "Hmmm . . . " Farmer: "Some
things you just can't explain." Man: "So, then what did
you do?" Farmer: "Well, I didn't have any more rope, so
I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In
that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in."
said yesterday that the economy was 'going to get worse
before it gets better.' See, that's when you know the
campaign is really over. Remember before the election?
'The audacity of hope!' 'Yes, we can!' 'A change we can
believe in!' Now it's, 'We're all screwed.'''
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GUY THAT
GOT CAUGHT ROBBING 6 DRUG STORES? APPARENTLY HE STOLE 2000
VIAGRA PILLS. THE JUDGE SENTENCED HIM TO 10 YEARS HARD
nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is
that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while,
the two nuns decide to lock the door f the room, strip off their
habits, and paint naked. Iniddle
the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it ?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man", replies a
voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at
each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from
man into the room, they open the door. "Nice boobs," says the
man, "Where do you want the blinds ?"
Robin Williams on Golf ( contains some profanities)
Two Alberta rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment -
the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and
even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same
thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes
on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation,
one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the
other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we
caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says,"Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
rules for men to follow for a happy life
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who
cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's
important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. 3. It's
important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't
lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman, who is good
in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very
important that these four women do not know each other
Signed Tiger Woods
by the Tail"
This is what happened to Tiger but in terms that we
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in
Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees.
The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no
woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly
pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican
woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable'
(a term frequently used by woodpeckers).
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do
it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker
successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost
without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that
the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree,
and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian
tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from